Damning Evidence

For those who do not know me allow me to introduce myself...................
I am female, I am 50 years old and I am in purgatory! I am in a limboid black hole of confusion. At this point you may wish to know why or more probably be asking me to get on with it. The thing is I never expected to reach 50 and nowI'm hereI'm not quite sure how to behave.
I think I need to explain.......................
When I was growing up I always felt I would die by the time I was 42 years old. As far as I know no singular person was responsible for instigating that thought., and whilst I was, and still am, an avid reader; none of my heroines died specifically at the age of 42!! In fact the one thing about reading was that bar a few unfortunates, most of the characters in my early literary forays simply remained at their age in the book without ever growing old. I quickly cottoned on to thinking this was the life for me to be immortalized in a book or even a song. Although the ' Girl with the Ebony Eyes' and 'Leader of the Pack' died in their respective songs, most of the named persons in songs stayed lyrically intact.
I was then faced with a choice either I write a book or song about myself or I inspire someone else to wax lyrical about me. I realised the former could be met with derision and disgust and shouts of ' who do you think you are?' so I had no choice but to go for the latter. That dear reader has been my subconcious quest in life with one proviso; I had to do it by the time I was 42!!!!
What ensued were numerous relationships, some intense some merely plutonic to try to inspire, ignite a spark of genius in some unsuspecting wordsmith to write about me.
Obviously it didn't work and neither did I die at 42, so here I am 50, menopausal, without purpose and quite frankly kicking myself for being so shallow.
Yes I've had adventures on the way - producing children, travelling the world, studying philosophy, theology, history, architecture, art and language, having top jobs and meeting fascinating characters, but there is a vacancy for a quest, a real purpose. Any suggestions will be considered!!!
So what's with the title? Well please yourself - is it that all women want to be the muse? or that at 50 most people re-evaluate their lives and find the past wanting? or that all menopausal women go a teensy bit mental??? Over to you